Tea is for Tyranny
I try to be fairly open minded when it comes to food. I’m no Andrew Zimmern (which I consider a good thing), but I’d like to think that my horizons are pretty open when it comes to food. I do draw the line, however, at tea. Not only because it by and large tastes like either feet or grass clippings, but its downright un-American.
Think about tea as a concept for a second. Unlike proper drinks like beer and soda, tea is created by a process called “steeping”, which is only 2 letters off from “stealing”, which is probably more accurate. Steeping involves placing leaves in extremely hot water, sometimes boiling, until the leaves release compounds which supposedly make the tea taste good. So basically these poor leaves are tortured until they give up their vital essences, after which they are discarded unceremoniously. The perpetrators of this horrible process, the aforementioned hot water, not only takes the credit for all the “goodness” and “flavor”, it has the audacity to hide its sin by changing its name to tea instead of the more accurate “leaf torture juice”. Some of the more barbaric countries of the world will use the water-boarded remains to tell the future, making the shattered husks continue to perform even beyond death for their inhuman masters.
All throughout the world this horrific practice goes on. Countless kitchens contain these whistling Guantanamos called teapots where this gory ritual takes place on a regular basis. And look at the prime offenders.
Britain – We had to save their bacon back in WWII, probably because of tea-induced poncery.
India – Stealing all our jorbs. Also over-reliance on musicals in popular cinema
Japan – Tentacle Porn
China – Commies, plus introduced Japan to tea.
Case closed.
(And yes, I know Coffee is pretty much the same thing. But unlike Tea, the big cultures behind coffee are America (’nuff said) and the Aztecs, who win the prize for most likely to rip the heart out their enemies to offer it to their heathen gods, so they get a pass).